The overwhelming task of fatherhood

A father who truly understands what he’s gotten himself into should be terrified. Terrified, that is, to the extent that he faces fatherhood with nothing but his own resources to call upon.

How can anybody do this job?! Children to feed and clothe for a couple decades. Guiding their total readiness for life: spiritual preparation, academic learning, life skills, gender-distinctive roles, vocational training. Teaching the Bible. Praying with discernment. Finding the right mate for each one. Providing direction without being dictatorial, giving love without being lax. Modeling God while being a man of flesh, demonstrating faith while being full of fear. Who can do this job? If a man isn’t overwhelmed by it all, he just doesn’t grasp the full scope of his responsibilities!

When considering his calling as a servant of Christ, Paul cried out, "Who is adequate for these things?" (2 Cor. 2:16) Truly any man sensible of his calling as a father could echo those words: "Who is adequate for the task of fatherhood?"

And indeed many fathers live with a sense of quiet dread. They are in fact overwhelmed by it all from the moment they first hear those words, "It’s a boy (or girl)." They cover over their sense of inadequacy pretty well. They go through the motions of fatherhood according to the broad outlines: help change some diapers, earn a paycheck to pay the bills, give the daughters away at their weddings. But they never feel like they’ve mastered the job description, if indeed they’ve even understood what it all entails. They’re not very good fathers and they know it, but who could ever do this job right?

“Our adequacy is from God”

A few verses beyond the question about his adequacy for his task, Paul offers the only answer that will ever relieve any man of the terror of his manly callings: "Our adequacy is from God." (3:5) And here lies one of the most profound, most freeing truths a man can ever know. While no man has what it takes to accomplish his job as father successfully in every respect, he can be made adequate by the work of God through him.

As a matter of fact, the only way a man can ever become truly adequate as a father is by realizing his own utter inadequacy for the task. The man who thinks himself sufficient has a date with disaster. Time will prove his self-confidence unfounded. But the man who knows he cannot do the job and depends upon the grace of God to work despite his failings is the man who just may qualify for the fatherhood hall of fame.

Of course, this is true not only concerning fatherhood; it is true about any duty any Christian tries to perform. Christians walk a thin line all the time between self-confidence and despair. On the one side is the deception of self-sufficiency and confidence in our own strength; on the other, the lie that we can’t live the life we’re called to and are guaranteed to fail. To walk the narrow way is to realize, moment by moment, that we are totally unable to obey God and do our duty and yet His grace at work in us makes us able. A sense of inadequacy is a gift. It is the starting point for the working of the grace of God in our lives.

Paul wrote elsewhere: "… work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Phil. 2:12,13). What an amazing statement! We are encouraged to work hard at fulfilling the calling we have from God, even as we do so with a fear and trembling that results from an awareness of our inability and our of accountability to God. We can do this because we know that our adequacy is from God. He is the one who gives us the desire to do the work and then actually enables us to get the job done. Our awareness of our own weakness does not lead us to inaction, it simply assures that our actions are successful because God is at work in and through us.

Jesus taught the same concept in John 15. "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing" (v. 5). Our success in any spiritual endeavor, our fruitfulness, depends on the work of God in and through us to bear the fruit He desires. So again, realizing my utter inability is not a hindrance to accomplishing the task. It is rather the necessary starting point for truly accomplishing the job, because God works through weakness (see also, 2 Cor. 12:9.10).

So, yes, a man should be terrified at the prospect of all that he is supposed to be and do as a father. It is essential to realize the enormity of the task, the eternal implications, the many dangers of failure. Without this "fear and trembling" he may not assume the posture of absolute dependence upon God which is vital to his success. But with the right attitude of heart, any man can apply himself to fathering with confidence. As Paul wrote, "Therefore my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord" (1 Cor. 15:58).

God always puts his children into a position in which they are assured of failure apart from His grace. Isn’t that where we all began when we fell as helpless sinners at the foot of the cross? Well, taking that same posture is the primary ingredient for success throughout the remainder of the Christian journey. When I am weak, then I am strong. We are guaranteed of failure apart from grace.

Some examples

Let’s picture a couple of examples from the life of a typical father. A homeschooling father works hard to provide for his family. His wife doesn’t work outside the home, so while the demands are greater (usually including more children that the average) the resources may be less. He feels like he is spinning his wheels, barely able to keep up with the bills, seldom having anything "extra" beyond the essentials. Such a father is being realistic if he lies awake some nights terrified at what would happen if he lost his job, or lacking that crisis, if he just tries to think how to squeeze more blood from his income turnip.

Yet the "gift of inadequacy" principle can assure this man that God is at work in his work to provide for his dear wife and children. He can remember that his heavenly Father cares more for their welfare than he does and that He has promised that the essentials will always be given (Matt. 6:33). He can rely on God’s providentially controlling the availability of work. He can count on God giving him wisdom as to how to economize still further if necessary. He can be assured that God is able to open up new doors of opportunity if and when they are needed. In short, he can sleep well if he reminds himself that he is just a branch attached to the Vine. Yes, he must work hard and plan for the future, but the Controller of all things is at work in and through his work and can be trusted to provide for the family.

Or let’s take the man who sees a dangerously willful spirit in his two year old daughter. He knows that there will only be worse trouble for her and him if she is not dealt with at this age. Yet his corrections and spankings seem to do no good and almost seem to make matters worse. He is at his wits’ end (and so is his wife). He feels like an utter failure. What does he do?

Well, he just keeps on obeying God. He doesn’t judge his situation by how he feels or even the results he sees with his eyes. He remembers that God says the rod used consistently will save a child’s soul from death (Prov. 23:14). He presses on with obedient discipline, trusting in God to work through his imperfect efforts. He prays a lot for the character of Christ to be formed in his little girl (Gal. 4:19). In time he will see the fruit he desires because his sense of inadequacy leads him to trust all the more in the grace of God. The Lord makes up for this father’s inadequacy and works through his obedient faith. He is a successful father despite, and because of, his weakness, when his sense of weakness leads him to absolute submission to God.

Our children need grace, too

The more you think about it, the more obvious it becomes that everything God requires His children to do requires grace for its accomplishment. Our children cannot become godly children on their own. They may outwardly conform to our standards, but for their hearts to be yielded to God’s will is beyond the capacity of their sinful natures. So we must teach them that they need to give their hearts to us and to God. We must stress that they cannot do this in their own power. We must teach them to cry out for the mercy of God so that they have the capacity for true, heart-level obedience.

We may raise good Pharisees without grace, but we will not raise Christ-like children. Unless God changes them from the inside, none of our training from the outside will do any good. At best (or worst) they will smilingly conform their outward behavior to our rules without ever yielding their hearts to God. What a tragedy! And yet this has been the outcome for many a father: mere outward conformity to rules rather than an inward love for God and hunger to do His will.

Fathers need to teach their children the same lessons they themselves are learning: "You can’t do what God calls you to do in your own strength. You must be willing to be a failure in order that the Lord can work through you to bring forth His life in you."

A blessed terror

Aren’t you glad you decided to homeschool your children? Aren’t you glad you are committed to biblical discipline? Aren’t you glad you have committed yourself to finding a spouse for each your children? Isn’t it terrifying?! What a blessed terror that throws us and our children upon the boundless grace of our God! If you hadn’t embarked on this more difficult journey you may never have needed the extra measure of grace that you in fact do need today. What a marvelous training program our dear Father has arranged that calls us to the performance of tasks that we cannot do in order that He can do them through us.

Why did He set it up this way? Simply this: He wants us. He wants our hearts. He wants our fellowship. And when we realize that we cannot do what He asks, then we have no choice but to come running to Him for grace. Learn this lesson yourself, and teach it to your wife and children. There’s none more important.